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Post by HeraldMage on Oct 25, 2003 9:40:27 GMT -5
So when our day is gone where do we go? Glum footsteps down a lonely road A silent sound of sadness that lingers Like the acrid taste of smoke long gone
We run our course and fade away And are forgotten before we're dead We watch and sigh as our place in the sun Is taken by another, and we're gone.
What we are and what we do All is gone and blown away We all are dust from birth to death And in the wind we are no more.
We run our course and come to naught And in the wind our voices cry and fade Our sobs and grief go ghosting away We are alone and die in dusk
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Post by Valyn on Dec 23, 2003 10:30:35 GMT -5
Great poem... and you say you don't do poetry, HMage.
My only real critique would be that the last line of the second stanza is a bit awkward... 'Is taken by another more beautiful' The meaning works, but the sound isn't quite there. I don't know what you'd replace it with, so I can't offer a suggestion, but I thought I'd let you know.
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Post by HeraldMage on Dec 23, 2003 21:41:31 GMT -5
*Considers* Hmmm.... I think you're right. The assonance isn't quite there.
BTW, like the avatar, Valyn. Finally decided to get one?
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Post by Valyn on Dec 26, 2003 17:00:25 GMT -5
Yes... More like finally figured out why the hell they weren't showing before.
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Post by Edgiko on Mar 3, 2004 17:37:00 GMT -5
That was very poem! Claps to Liz! *I'm coming up with something other than "kudozs," "props," "snaps," ect..*
I do agree with Valyn however about that one line. But great poem!
Now I'm thinking again...I wanna stop thinking! *goes to make wallpapers*
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Post by HeraldMage on Mar 4, 2004 7:30:33 GMT -5
Am thinking of an edit...
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